I don't know how to do this or how to say it right. I don't know but I'm going to try.

Aaron told me today that I am a tender soul- I am gentle. I am a sweetheart. And as he was saying it, I was shutting down inside- watching the clock, waiting for the time to just end so that I could leave. I didn't want to hear that something I'd been working so hard to solidify- was so blatantly obvious. I have been trying to build a wall to keep me safe. I have been trying to harden up, toughen up- deal with it because if I can't deal with it and move on- then what good am I?

And then I went to makesmethink.com- and read and read until I had a little pool of tears gathered on my chest. So many people with most tragic regrets; so many people wondering what could have been; so many people that almost ended it all- only to be utterly and completely thankful that they did not. And then, I don't know where I stand. So I asked myself: Why am I not happy?

The answer, or at least the chain of thought that I followed- is as follows. I am not happy because I do not let myself be happy. Happiness is an emotion- and emotions are petty little things that I've been so desperately trying to not let in. I am so focused on not letting myself feel pain, that I have completely forgotten to allow myself to feel joy, happiness, love.

Why.

Well, as I'm writing the memoir/novel or whatever you'd like to call it- that answer was actually, for once, an easy one. See- I've picked my life into 4 common, reocurring themes- one of which is Fear. I am so utterly and obsessively afraid of being hurt- of having my hopes, my trusts, everything positive broken down yet again- I let this fear rule my life. So- I've hardened my outer shell. I don't let myself feel any sort of happiness because I'm just too frightened that it will be taken away.

Now, after having this shell for long enough- for keeping it on tight so that I don't get hurt- I guess that I started to believe I could take on anything. I didn't feel pain- I didn't get hurt. I could do as I pleased without any serious emotional consequences. But here's where Aaron's discovery peels back a few pages, potentially. I put myself in all sorts of situations- but I have forgotten that underneath the shell I wear, there is still the soft, squishly Leigh inside, all ready to get beaten up.

And that's it precisely. I beat up and beat up and beat up on this shell- and everything has a breaking point. I guess I just got hit too many times to be able to keep 'myself' together. So I broke. And then- all the mush inside that was now pudding- spilled forth reaking of pain and closed in agony. And when that happens, I start uttering "February..." in foreign languages just to be clever.

But here's the kicker (there's always a kicker...): I don't know what to do. Do I put myself in less scary situations because I know I'll get hurt? Or do I rather go gung-ho into what I want but accept that I might get hurt. Avoiding happiness doesn't sound like a great way to achieve happiness- so my guess is that it is option two. But that leads us back to Fear.

I am so afraid that I'm just going to break again. I feel like there are a limited number of times that I can just "get back up on the horse again." I feel like it's a bit more similar to "I'm beating a dead horse with a stick..." and accomplishing nothing.

So the results attained? I'm terrified and squishy with no plan and no motivation to chase happiness. I'm incurably obsessed with protecting myself that I've forgotten I AM vulnerable. I am so very afraid- because now I can't just fake I'm strong- because I don't know that I am.

And the conclusion? Still to be determined. With all the things that are going on... I feel like I would normally hide in my room or not go out there at all. But all I want to do right now is tell everyone what I'm really thinking.
*I want to tell Hollywood that I WAS hurt by him picking someone else- even though we weren't dating. I want to tell him that he broke my trust and made me feel worthless. I want to tell him that I gave up hope that night and blacked out the majority of the night.
*I want to tell them I'm NOT ok and haven't been for years. I want to tell them just how afraid I truly am and that I don't know what is next. I want to cry and have them tell me it's ok, that I'll be ok- and not to cowboy-up or try harder.
*I want to tell him that I know he loves me but I just can't bring myself to love him back. I don't know why- but I just can't love him. I tried to reason that it was because he can't keep up- but I think that it is more that he's addicted to the way I make him feel. I want to tell him that he's so right and so wrong and I wish that he just wasn't a part of my life.. then thank him for being there.
*I want to tell them that I miss them- miss them all. I want to tell them that it is too hard, being up here- so utterly alone... or at least it feels like it.
*I want to tell him that ID isn't real. I want to tell him that he is the only person I hate and that that night he deserved to fucking die. I want to tell him *I made my roommate take away my knives so I didn't actually kill him. I want to tell him he deserves to rot in hell.
*I want to tell him that I miss him, that I'll probably always love him, but that it is ok. I want him to know everything. At least I'm working on that. And I want him to be a part of my life- a real part.
*Lastly, I want them to know how hard it is. I want them to know I'm not that strong and still look at me the same. I want them to look at me and still love me- even though I'm soft and mushy.

I could say that I will- but I know I won't. And that really, truly sucks.

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